Why is it so married folk are struggling with intimacy in their relationships?
Here is a theory to ponder and is the one of the excerpt from “The..........” can’t put the title out there yet :-)
You can’t teach what do you don’t know or understand someone once said to me.
True intimacy is possible only when two persons with relatively stable identities freely choose to be together. A couple is not really free if one or both is still fighting old developmental battles. Scars from the past may have been reopened when a relationship is marked by uncomfortable feelings of mistrust, shame and doubt, inferiority, and or identity diffusion. Such feelings complicate a person's capacity freely to enter the post adolescent stage which Erickson calls "intimacy versus isolation." Sexual relating, at its deepest level, is a crucible for the working through of these issues in one of the most vulnerable areas of life. Molestation, abuse and low self esteem from one's past further complicate this dynamic.
Clearly there is a selfish component surrounding any situation like this. Over the years in speaking to people, couples, and in one-on-one ministry, I have learned many chose not to share vital information before going into relationships. For those I spoke to there seemed to be a hording of information on either the man’s or woman’s part or both. I realize that to share means one must be vulnerable and uncover secrets, issues, problems that one feels no one should know because they feel the other party may not understand. However, when you choose to withhold vital information—well that puts your relationship at risk whether immediately or in the future. Yes, I can hear someone now...well my lover may walk away. Well there is that same possibility that they walk when the information comes out; and it is bound to come out. Personally, I would rather have the information on the table and up front and allow the other person to make a choice to continue to love me or leave me. The concept and reality is is that fear binds up so many wholesome potential situations in all of our lives.
Intimacy denotes transparency and should be considered in all of our relationships, whether married, friends or family. It is interesting to note that on the website www.changingminds.org the physical properties are defined as such: Transparency allows the natural light to spread as far as possible. That means that there should be no availability of darkness in any situation. Yet the reality is many of us are ambiguous about our past in regards to most components. I was sharing with someone this week that if my life can be used to assist someone else to receive into their life; and to alleviate a situation expeditiously; then that is worth the trouble I have gone through within my own life. So often we have the ability to receive from others, but sadly many of us choose not to; only to extend our season beyond the normal definition of God’s time span of that same said situation. It would appear at times the human race (overall) has this distinct thought process that “I got this”. Mind you this does not apply to all cultures, ethnicities and or socio-economic backgrounds; it appears to be a Western thought process rather than an Eastern.
We must learn to access and extract the information (issues) of our past; this is needed before many of us can move forward. We must learn that until we deal with our baggage we cannot enter into a healthy relationship and expect the other person to assume us and our undeniably dysfunctional components. Love is not what you get but what you bring to the table. Initially all maybe well, but eventually based on circumstances in your present; elements from your past will begin to seep into your current relationship and thus the breakdown in communication begins. So many of us long for someone to love us in spite of our issues; we have that “take me as I am” mentality; and expect that of the other person, but we are not willing to do the same.
God is the ultimate exponent of love and all that it denotes. He saw a need and provided that need in the form of His Son, Jesus. Our type and shadow of Love itself is Christ. One who was willing to die to expel our sins and all that it details. When I was younger, I would often imagine the contents of that cup that Jesus was requested to partake of In Matthew 26 I would think of the smell, the type of sin; the human expression of need, will, the lowest base elements of anything conceivable. Yet throughout that whole process Jesus partook for each of us. He made a decision and He was our example of transparency and intimacy. He did not hide from us, in fact should we choose to we have the ability to become a part of Him. Isn’t that what we all desire, to become a part of someone else and to make an impact in their life? To be loved? To share all that we are? Well I submit to you it is possible. Our make and model that never goes out of style is Christ himself. Make appropriate decisions to be transparent in your relationships and watch the change begin. We must learn to be Change Agents and must first start with ourselves. If the love of your life or your friend chooses to walk away, then I submit to you that they were never meant to be a permanent placement in your life. God gives us times and seasons, sometimes relationships are seasonal for if that person cannot stay and assist you in your battles to become all that God intended you to be; then that person was never meant to stay. Nonetheless there is one who will always be available to listen, to hear, to be transparent before you and desires the utmost levels of intimacy. That is your relationship between you and God. Seek to know Him. Desire Him. Stop using other methods to chase after your dreams to fulfill your needs and dream of Him. Chase after Him and watch your life reposition itself on all levels and in every form.
Seek to know so that you might grow!
Go in peace.
B
October 4, 2009
7:45 AM
Wikipedia is not an actual resource that can be used to cite references, for the information can be changed by any unreliable source. However, I chose to use this method to bring clarity to the definitions being used.
Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb "intimate" means "to state or make known". The activity of intimating (making known) underpins the meanings of "intimate" when used as a noun and adjective. As a noun, an "intimate" is a person with whom we have a particularly close relationship. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimacy">
Transparency - free from pretense or deceit : frank b : easily detected or seen through : obvious c : readily understood d : characterized by visibility or accessibility of information especially concerning business practices http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/transparent
(as used in the humanities and Pilatian theories, when used in a social context, implies openness, communication, and accountability. It is a metaphorical extension of the meaning a "transparent" object is one that can be seen through http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transparency
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